Hovis Arvostelua 

Hovis sliced wholemeal is awful. Doesn't toast. Tasteless. Soggy texture. Nasty aftertaste.

Okay. I bought Hovis.
That was my first mistake.
You think bread is simple, right? Flour, water, yeast, salt. Maybe a little butter. Humanity has been making bread for thousands of years.
WRONG.
Look at the packaging.
Brown. Traditional. Wholesome. "Your grandparents ate us." It's practically screaming, I'm safe! I'm British! Trust me!
That's not branding.
That's psychological warfare.
Nobody should trust a loaf that tries this hard to look innocent.
Then I opened the bag.
The slices were too uniform.
WAY too uniform.
No bread should have that kind of consistency. Homemade bread has personality. One slice is crooked. Another has an air bubble. Maybe somebody's thumbprint is in it.
Hovis?
Every slice looks like it was approved by a committee.
Cut.
Measure.
Approve.
Repeat.
You think that's coincidence? Somewhere there's a guy in a windowless office whose entire job is ensuring every Hovis slice is exactly the same thickness.
And why?
CONTROL.
Then I toasted it.
That's when things got weird.
The smell hits you.
Warm. Familiar. Nostalgic.
Suddenly you're thinking about childhood. Sunday mornings. Grandparents. A simpler time before every appliance had Wi-Fi and your phone knew where you were at all times.
That's when I realised:
HOVIS IS WEAPONISED NOSTALGIA.
They're bypassing the rational brain and going straight for the hippocampus.
You don't eat Hovis.
Hovis eats your memories.
And the texture?
Dry AND damp simultaneously.
How is that possible?
You bite into it expecting bread and instead your mouth becomes the Gobi Desert.
You need butter to make it edible.
THINK ABOUT THAT.
Hovis creates butter dependency.
Butter creates refrigeration dependency.
Refrigeration creates electricity dependency.
Electricity creates smart-meter dependency.
Smart meters—
No.
I'm not going down that rabbit hole again.
Then there's the crust.
The crust has the structural integrity of building material.
I put a slice in the toaster and it came out looking like a roofing tile.
Forget concrete.
Stack enough Hovis crusts together and you've got a bunker.
Which raises the obvious question:
Why does bread need blast resistance?
I'm not saying Hovis was designed for civil-defence applications.
I'm saying I'm not not saying it.
And the crumbs!
Hovis doesn't crumble.
It disintegrates strategically.
One bite and suddenly there's bread dust everywhere. On your shirt. On the counter. Inside your keyboard.
Three days later you'll find Hovis particles in places you've never even eaten.
I found a breadcrumb behind my monitor.
I DON'T EAT BEHIND MY MONITOR.
Explain that.
And don't trust the ingredients list.
That's just the list of things they're willing to admit to.
What about everything between the lines?
What about the microscopic flour-based surveillance subroutine currently operating in my digestive tract?
You think your stomach is processing Hovis?
Maybe Hovis is processing you.
I've been monitoring myself for 48 hours.
Everything appears normal.
Except I can hear the toaster.
Even when it's unplugged.
Last night:
Click.
Pause.
Click.
Pause.
Click.
That's Morse code.
I haven't decoded it yet because every time I get close, the fridge starts humming.
Byers says I'm paranoid.
Frohike says it's probably the fridge.
I say WAKE UP.
The evidence is right there.
So here's my advice:
DON'T BUY HOVIS.
Get a baguette.
Get a roll.
Eat a potato.
Chew on a phone book.
Anything is safer.
One star.
And I'm only giving it one because zero stars would imply that Hovis has no influence over me.
I refuse to give it that satisfaction.
They want you to think it's bread.
That's the cover story.
Look closer.
Question everything.
Check your toaster.
Check your cupboards.
Check the crumbs.
And for God's sake—
DON'T LET HOVIS KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

I used to love the taste of hovis wholemeal bread but know it's terrible it's very sweet and not much flavour and the texture has altered it is very doughie it clings to your teeth

HOVIS Seed Sensations loaf have always had 18 slices in since I have been buying. This week I opened my new loaf and guess what, it only has 16 slices per pack. I have queried this with HOVIS but no response. Is this HOVIS cutting back on slices per loaf but still charging over £2.00 a loaf🥴. Not seen any announcements from HOVIS saying that they are reducing pack size. Is is this just another supplier cutting back on quantity without national announcement.

No response to a complaint, sent twice over a period of two weeks,which I, had supported with full details and photographs. The complaint was initially sent on the day of purchase.

The complaint was regarding some darker material (possibly burned dough) baked into the crust, and I wanted both an explanation and reassurance that this had been addressed.

I have had no response, very disappointed, and will buy my bread elsewhere in future.

I eat some contaminated bread which had some black sticky substance on the crust it was not cooking oil was like machinery grease, it made me poorly so I complained and asked for compensation they had me do forms on the premise of and then asked my permission to pass my claim on to their own insurers to progress which no offer was made this wasted my time under false pretences and is a huge conflict of interest, I stated at the start I required compensation and I could initiate legal but instead they asked me to do forms etc etc jumping through all these hoops absolutely disgusting

Bread nowadays is horrendous. No substance to the bread and E numbers. Now overpriced economy bread.

Sent a message to your complaints office 3 months ago, about half a dead rat in my loaf. I hope the other person complained to. Absolutely disgusting and having no support from you about this just shows me what your company and standards are. I will ever be a returning customer. You should be absolutely ashamed

Lots f crumbs and quite a few slices have holes on them.

Has the recipe changed. I have noticed over the last month or so the bread has no taste whatsover. At first I thought I had lost my tastebuds but now I am thinking its the bread itself. I am now looking at other alternatives to buy instead. This is for Hovis Thick Wholemeal Bread. At one point I enjoyed my sandwiches using this bread while at work. Sadly not anymore.

Have they changed the recipe? It tastes awful now and we won't be buying it any more

E numbers in the bread 🤢

HOVIS WHOLEMEAL Bread - Medium and Thick Sliced
Completely Tasteless - Texture unbelievably bad. Once eaten, it’s an experience you certainly want to forget, but unfortunately it is not possible.
ZERO RATING

Hovis seemed to have reduced the size of thir sliced bread. The bread was slightly too large to fit in a standard toaster,now it enters the slots freely.
It was noticeable even before the loaf was opened,and how loose the packaging was.

Myself and my husband have always had Hovis wholemeal thick sliced bread. Just lately we have both noticed a sweetness too the bread. Have Hovis changed their recipe. I’m now going to have change my bread as I find the bread we have enjoyed for years is now inedible